is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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