I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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