Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
