I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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