I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
