I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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