it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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