Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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