Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
