Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
