got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
