After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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