I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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