I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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