Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
