peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
