I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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