if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
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I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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