my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
