I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
