the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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