John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
