I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
barbara walters just said penis...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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