walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
where are my eyebrows?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
