the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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