Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
