I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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