New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
