____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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