It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
