I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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