Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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