Pants 0. Shit 1.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize
