I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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