Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
