Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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