I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
