She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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