So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
