She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
