my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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