i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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