I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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