my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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