I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Randomize
