he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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