I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
