I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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