I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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