he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
