The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
