He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
