you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize